Seems I haven't updated in awhile. Huh. To be honest, things have been totally crazy busy on my end of things. Juggling school, a job that I hate, and a job that I don't hate but is incredibly tiring, things have been really stressful lately. I can take stress, most of the time. But when it just keeps on building up I feel like I'm going to crack under all the pressure, and I feel myself beggning to loose it. I've been missing way too much work and school, I find it rather astonishing that my office job HASN'T fired me yet. I think the only reason they haven't is because I'm family. Honestly, I wouldn't blame them. I know I need to do better at work, and I know I need better attendance and more self motivation. But its hard to enjoy a job that you feel is a complete waste of time. Its a two hour ride there, and a two hour ride back. I'm there for roughly 5 hours. I get paid minimum wage, and its work that nobody else wants, like mopping the floor, and pulling weeds and cleaning the litter box.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't be bitching, because its work. And, I am thankful to have the paychecks, because they help me get by. But it doesn't stop me from loathing the work with every fiber of my being.
And it doesn't help that I have insomnia, half the time. Sometimes I just. Can't. Sleep. And it is *heavily* affecting my work and school. I don't want to go to work because i'm tired all the time, and I don't go into school so I can get the extra rest so I CAN go into work. Its a vicious cycle of fail.
I know that insomnia isn't a sickness all its own, its a symptom of something more. I think that my sickness is stress. I'm so stressed out, so much is on my mind that my brain just can't shut off at night, so I stay up laying awake at night with all this on my mind, and it builds up because I'm loosing sleep which creates more problems. And then I get so stressed, I start to get depressed. And thats when I begin to get back all that lost sleep. When I'm depressed, I sleep like no other. I can sleep for a good 16 hours, get up long enough to eat and shower, and then go back to bed. The problem with this is, I'm getting so much sleep, my body wants more sleep and I'm *still* tired. So therefore, I miss more work, more school, and more of my life is just wasted away while I sleep and hide from my problems.
I don't get depressed very often. And when I do, its never for very long. I've always said that I can "bounce back faster than a superball" Which most of the time is true. There has only been one instance during which I was depressed for any longer than a week. I consider myself very lucky, because severe depression kinda runs in the family.
But I can only hope this will be the case this time. That I can bounce back. I feel so depressed because I feel like such a failure. I'm letting all these people down, people who have done so much for me, I feel like I am disappointing them. Disappointing my aunt, because she gave me a job and I'm not taking it seriously. Disappointing my father because he paid for my psychology class and my attendance is in the shitter. Disappointing my mother because she always tries so hard for me, and I'm just failing at life left and right. Disappointing my boyfriend and his grandmother, because she worked so hard with me to put together a resume, and put in a good word at Kaizer for me, and I haven't even gone in to the recruiting office yet. I feel like one big fucking dissapointment.
And its hard for me to talk to anyone about this. Which is probally why I post it in a rant in my journal. When I'm depressed I close up and I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I want to say something, I want to tell someone how I feel and admit it, but I just can't find the words. "Are you okay?" Someone will ask. Its so much easier to plaster on a smile and say "Yeah, I'm fine." rather than tell them I'm not okay. I don't want to be a burden on other people. I don't want to have to ask for help from others. I'm a big girl, I should be able to help myself.

It seems I've run out of steam.
I'd be astonished if anyone actually read all of that.